


"An Unexpected Liveshow", or "Slightly Intoxicated Dan Part 2".

by umathurmanjustwatchedmehavesex



Series: Days in the Married Life of Dan and Phil [7]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan Gets Existential, Domestic Phan, Drunken Confessions, Established Relationship, Fun Facts About Bees, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, younow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 06:01:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7422694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/umathurmanjustwatchedmehavesex/pseuds/umathurmanjustwatchedmehavesex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 2nd June 2018, Dan gets drunk one night his husband Phil is off visiting his family in Manchester and decides to do an impromptu YouNow. Would highly recommend reading Parts 1 & 2 before this one.</p>
<p>Topics of discussion include: underage drinking, Dan and Phil potentially having children, London Pride, Dan's ex-girlfriend, the Glee cover of Landslide, relationship advice, if it's possible to 'feel' gay, jealousy in marriage, how ridiculous Dan was in 2012, memes, his relationship with Phil's family, and fun facts about bees!</p>
            </blockquote>





	"An Unexpected Liveshow", or "Slightly Intoxicated Dan Part 2".

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of a weird one. I began writing this as a bit of help in fleshing out my version of Dan Howell's persona to assist in future fic writing, and somehow I managed to get over 9k out of it, so I decided to upload it, even if it is a bit... weird. Hey-o, I'm marking it down as character-building practise, what can I say.
> 
> Liveshow is more in the style of a 2012 one, because those are my favourites and I miss those, sorry not sorry. Stuff in italics is either A) for emphasis, B) sunglasses emoji, or C) stuff he's reading out from the chat. There are lots of really long and running-on sentences because Dan Howell is a Mistake.

“Is this - is this - is this working? You’d think after half a decade of doing this YouNow would actually – oh, yep, yep, there you go. Say, ‘Where’s Phil?’ if you can hear me.”

[A pause: Dan laughs quietly. He’s sitting in his browsing position, fluffy-haired and yawning occasionally, his laptop seemingly balanced on his lap.]

“There we go; you can definitely hear me now. Or just really want Phil, either works. Okay, let me just… hnnng, I’ve got to post this on Facebook _and_ Twitter _and_ Tumblr, god, my life’s so hard. This is why I shouldn’t let Phil go visit his family without me, it means I can’t get him to do things for me.”

[The sound of keys being tapped, if quite slowly: Dan’s eyes are narrowed as he concentrates.]

“ _An… unexpected… liveshow…_ I haven’t made that joke before, have I? …okay, that’s Twitter done, that’s… _Facebook_ done, and thaaaaat’s Tumblr done, okay, good, now we can actually start the liveshow. _Hello_ , everyone, how are we all feeling this evening? Well, I say evening, it’s 2 o’clock in the morning here. Hey, finally a liveshow Australians can watch! That’s pretty cool, isn’t it? Finally a show they can –   _you should be in bed!!!_ Someone just said. Urgh, you’re not my real mom. Yeah, I probably should, but I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d, y’know, do a cheeky liveshow. Oh, hello, Emily from Australia, she’s saying –”

[He puts on a _terrible_ Australian accent, and looks mildly mortified afterwards.]

“– _g’day from Down Unda’_ – …that was awful, I am so sorry. Oh, apparently she’s gay from Down Under as well, I hope that makes up for it. What about everyone else, how are you all doing? Describe in one word how you’re feeling, I don’t think we’ve done that for a while.”

[Another pause: Dan’s eyes are tracking just below the camera. His smile is sleepy, and in his ear there is a small rainbow stretcher instead of the usual black.]

“ _Tired_ , I’m seeing that a lot, I can relate. Go to bed if you _are_ feeling really tired, I don’t want you falling asleep on your laptops. God knows I’ve done it enough times. _Bored_? Oh, sorry I’m not entertaining enough for you, geez. _Placenta_ , yep, thank you, we all really needed to know that.  _Gay_? Did someone just say – wait, nope, nope, literally dozens of you are saying you feel gay this evening which I, funnily enough, can also relate to.”

[He runs a hand through his hair, which just makes it fluffier. It seems absent-minded, though, as he doesn’t move to fix it, instead remaining concentrated on the chat.]

“Wow, there are a _lot_ of you saying you’re feeling gay. Question, are you all new fans because we came out or have you just always been there, hiding in your own closets? Because if it’s the former than I’m glad you have found more YouTubers to relate to, god knows I could’ve done with it when I was a teenager, and if it’s the latter than I’m glad you’ve found the courage to do so, whether it’s because of me and Phil or something else entirely, because god knows I could’ve _also_ done with that courage when I was a teenager. Of course, you could just be taking the piss, but, hey, least you’re not using it as an insult – …oh, it seems like a reasonably even split, that’s fair.”

“Are none of you feeling lesbian or is it just specifically gay? Like, I know you can be in lesbians with someone, but I don’t know if you can _feel_ lesbian, despite how much I used to look like one – oh, wait, clearly you can, as several of you are exclaiming. Well, I’m glad that you’re happy you like girls. I’m quite fond of them myself, actually, although you probably wouldn’t calling it ‘feeling lesbian’ in my case. _You still look like a lesbian!!!_ Caitlin said. Yes, thank you, Caitlin." 

" _Why am I wearing a rainbow stretcher?_ Because it's Pride month, isn't it? First time I've properly been able to appreciate it, like, ever, so I thought I'd do a little something to celebrate. Probably should be wearing one with, like, the bi flag on it or something, I just couldn't find any. _No,_ we are not going to be marching in the parade, can you  _imagine_? God, that would be so embarrassing - not because going to Pride is embarrassing, I just can't imagine either of us being on one of those buses waving our little flags. Maybe we can stand and watch from the BBC building on Regent's Street, wave down at the parade. I don't know. I'll ask. It may be a bit too late to organise that, though, so I wouldn't get my hopes up."

“Gay, gay, lesbian, gay – oh, come on, there must be some of you who are feeling bi. There are so many full-time internet homos here, there must be at _least_ one other internet bi. Come on, it's Pride Month, you should be feeling proud of being bi as well, I know I am - oh, and someone saying they’re straight with a sad face after it. Aw, I’m sorry – I’m sorry that you feel bad about being straight, not that I’m sorry that you are straight – although, considering how desperately I used to want to be straight, I don’t really have that much sympathy, which I am also sorry for. Wow, am _I_ a blabbermouth this evening, Jesus Christ.”

“Yes, yes, I know you all want Phil to be here, I want him to be here too. He’s in Manchester at the moment, so unfortunately you won’t see us being all adorable at the end of this liveshow. _Let’s spam his channel!_ Ha, ha, let’s _not_ spam his channel, I don’t think that’d be a very good idea. Actually, no, if you’re going to write something _nice_ then you can spam his channel, not saying stupid shit like placenta like we used to do. He’s in Manchester because he’s visiting someone in hospital, so he could probably do with cheering up, to be honest. What do you guys think, what should we say? …Natalie just suggested _Dan loves you_ , which, not gonna lie, is pretty sweet, but I think he already knows that. Like, after eight and a half years of being together and, what, seven months of being married, I would be really concerned if he didn’t know that by now. So, it’s a nice idea, and thank you for suggesting it, but possibly not.”

[He's blinking slowly as he reads the chat: his skin is a little flushed, and there are bags under his eyes.]

“What about fun facts? Like, how cows have best friends. Everyone loves a good fun fact, especially Phil. You don’t have to research one for hours on end, you can just google them, but if you know some particularly weird ones then those're good too. You all up for doing that? He probably won’t see them because he’s asleep, but they'd be nice for him to wake up to. _Go wake him up_! Lauren just suggested. Sorry, he’s in Manchester - I mean, I could try, but I’d have to walk for a couple days. _Why’s he in Manchester_? Family emergency. I’m not with him because I’m busy. Someone's in hospital because they took a bit of a tumble. Yes, he’s fine, don’t worry, someone else in his family. _Baby???_ someone just said in all capitals with about a dozen question marks – no, it’s not a baby. If it was, I’d be there. I love babies as long as they’re not crying. _Is that why you’re doing a livestream_? What, because Phil isn’t here? … _you’re drunk,_ someone has said in all capitals.”

[Dan waves at the camera. His movements are a little slow: clearly not that sober.]

“Guilty as charged. Louise took me out for drinks because Phil isn’t here and I may have had one or two – …by which I mean I had one or two more than I should’ve. Don’t judge me, I’ve been drinking for literally a decade, I am very well aware of what my body can handle by now.”

“ _But you’re only 26!!!_ 27 in just over a week actually, and the drinking age here is only 18, so it’s not _that_ bad. If any parents or carers are listening, by the way, I am _not_ advocating underage drinking, I’m just saying the drinking age in America is ridiculous, and ridiculously annoying for young British YouTubers – and just young British people in general, to be honest. I’ve actually sobered up quite a bit while I was trying to remember my password, I'm not even nearly as bad as I was, like, half an hour ago, which is probably for the best, really.”

“ _On the scale of 1 to 10, how drunk are you_? Uh, not sure. Probably about a five or six? I’d say a five, mostly because the room had stopped spinning by the time I got home and I’m still able to put reasonably eloquent sentences together. I’ll probably stay a five for a while, though. I had a _lot_ of alcohol, and I am putting in a _lot_ of effort to seem more sober than I am. Don’t drink, guys, otherwise you and your best mate will _literally_ be falling over each other laughing on the walk home from the pub. As in, we would be cracking up, Louise would stumble, grab onto me, and pull me down with her, and vice versa. Like, I really should’ve gotten into pyjamas or something when I got back, because my jeans are _filthy_ from the amount of time we spent just sitting on our arses giggling our tits off. _Pics or it didn’t happen_.”

[Dan laughs.]

“I don’t have pictures for you – and, even if I did, I would definitely not show them to you. You guys really don’t need that kind of material. I’m memeable enough as it is. You’ve got me drunk right now, is that not good enough? Am I not memeable enough just as I am?”

[He laughs again, shaking his head as he reads the comments.]

“ _Did you start drinking because it was cool_? That’s a good question, thank you, Jenny. No, I started drinking because of my girlfriend, not because it was cool – although I guess she probably started drinking because it was cool, so that technically means I did as well, probably, by proxy of whatever. _Girlfriend_??? I’m seeing a lot of you question. Yeah, I had a girlfriend for, like, three years before I met Phil. I used to talk about her in old livestreams and I think I mentioned her in a couple videos in, like, 2011, but obviously not so much now because we dated literally a decade ago, not exactly relevant anymore."

“ _But you’re gay_!!! No, Liam, I’m not gay, I’m bi. Just because I’m married to a man doesn’t mean I’m gay. Just because a sofabed is currently a sofa, doesn’t mean it loses its ability to be a bed, does it? ... _did we break up because of Phil_? Eh, I’m going to say no. We broke up when she went off to uni, just like literally all the other couples I knew at the time. It was a mutual thing, which is code for she wanted to be able to go clubbing and hook up with any guy she wanted to and not have me as dead weight, which was fair enough, really.”

“Hey, hey, I see you, people in the comments, dissing my ex-girlfriend for breaking up with me. I was a shitty boyfriend to her and probably deserved to be broken up with, to be honest, no need to be so mean. Besides, best to end a relationship amicably before it literally implodes in on itself and you both hate each other’s guts, am I right?"

[He lets out a few very false laughs.]

"Amicably, I say, despite the fact I was intensely bitter about it for literally years afterwards. _I’d’ve dated you then_!!! Thank you, that’s very nice of you to say. Phil wanted to date me at the time, though, and that’s what truly mattered. It also helped that I was really willing to take off my clothes for him, if I’m to be perfectly honest – …you guys have no idea how much I’m going to regret literally 90% of what I’m saying in the morning, dear god.”

“But, yeah, that’s why she broke up with me. I do not envy Phil for having to put up with me for the first, like, fortnight after we called it off because I was a _mess_ over her, and having to comfort someone you like after they just broke up with their long-time boyfriend or girlfriend is never fun. However, I don’t feel that sorry for him because, less than a month later after she’d decided it was time for her to move onto greener pastures, I got with him so I clearly got over her and onto him quite quickly –”

[Dan pauses, and narrows his eyebrows.]

“… _wow,_ did _that_ come out wrong. No, I _said_ I didn’t break up with her _because_ of him. I was definitely focusing more of my attention on him than her that summer, though, which probably didn’t help, to be honest. I keep on seeing people ask me whether Phil’s jealous of her, can I just ask why the hell would _Phil_ be jealous of _her?_ It’d be the other way around, if anything: I married him, not her.”

[His voice falls to a mutter as he reads things out.]

“ _She was my first love, she was my proper relationship, she was my first time…_ I’m seeing a _lot_ of firsts here, which I don’t really get. Just because someone is the first doesn’t mean they’re the best, or they should be the _only_. It’s the last that truly matters, and I think it’s pretty clear that I’m quite set on that being Phil. Don’t tell him I’m being sappy in my liveshow, by the way, or I’ll never live it down. So, yeah, we were clearly never meant to be – I was about to say that that age is not the time for commitment, but then I realised that I literally got with the guy I eventually married like a month after we broke up, so clearly _that’s_ not true – but I honestly have nothing but good words to speak of her now, especially as she’s never talked about our relationship online at all for attention. I honestly could not be more grateful to her for that.”

“I gotta say, though, part of the reason why I’m really glad I dated her is because if I didn’t have the, I don’t know, practise, I guess, at being in a long-term relationship with her it might not have worked out even nearly as well with Phil? I probably would’ve just, like, imploded under the stress of being a boyfriend or something equally ridiculous otherwise. I wouldn’t do that, by that way – not the imploding under the stress thing, although that’s a bad idea as well. I mean putting all the pressure on your first relationship being your  _only_ relationship. Like, of course this isn’t gonna apply to all of you but, if I had to guess, I’d say that a lot of you haven’t had their first proper relationship yet, or first love?”

[A pause: Dan is unusually serious as he reads the responses.]

“Yeah, I thought so. Best advice I can give you is _don’t_ presume you’re going to love them forever, _don’t_ presume that you’re going to be with them forever, because that is very rarely healthy. Like, some people do marry their high school sweethearts, some people do marry the people they meet at uni, and that’s great! But a lot don’t, and that’s okay too. People change in ways that sometimes aren’t compatible with each other, which might seem like this really bad and awful thing but I’d say it’s way better than neither of you changing and growing as people in the first place, wouldn’t you? Me and Phil got lucky in that we’ve mostly changed in the same way because we’ve built our lives around each other, but, like –”

[Dan flounders for a moment.]

“Look, just listen to _Landslide_ by Fleetwood Mac, that explains it far better than I ever could. Who here likes Fleetwood Mac? I haven’t been asking even nearly enough questions, and that’s my favourite thing about doing these things, clearly why I should never get drunk before I do a live show ever again –”

[Dan laughs.]

“ _You should always get drunk before a liveshow_!!! No, because then I’d have to start eating and exercising like Hannah Hart does so I don’t die, and I can’t do that, I can’t. She’s, like, a proper LA gym rat, it’s insane. Oh, quite a lot of you like Fleetwood Mac, that’s good – some of you heard the song on Glee, geez, that show seems so _old_ now, doesn’t it? Although I didn’t watch the last, like, three seasons, so for me it feels like it ended it 2011 instead of whenever it actually ended. See, that’s a TV show that makes you presume you’re going to end up with your first boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, which is bad.”

“ _But you and Phil presume you’re going to love each other forever_ – yeah, but we’ve got a marriage certificate and eight years of being together to back that up. Like, I’m not saying that what I said implies to all scenarios ever as all relationships are different, but I know I didn’t start to actually _really_ believe I was going to be with Phil for the rest of my life until I was up on that stage swearing to take him as my lawfully wedded husband until death do us part.”

“Tyler, of course, being Tyler, joked at the reception that we’re gonna be together until the death of YouTube do us part, because Tyler Oakley is an asshole – did someone just say they hate Tyler Oakley in the comments? If so, I hope you mean in the ‘I hate that I love him so much’ way, otherwise we’re going to have a problem. Like, I understand if you don’t like his videos. They’re not for everyone, just like mine aren’t for everyone, but Tyler as a person is a fucking delight, and an absolute riot to hang out with, I love him to bits – _is Phil jealous of Tyler?_ ”

[Dan lets out a scornful _pffff_.]

“No, don’t be stupid, of course Phil isn’t jealous of Tyler. Jesus, that’s the second time this has happened, what makes you all think Phil is really – yes, _platonically_ , I love Tyler _platonically_. Phil isn’t _jealous_. If anything, it’s me who’s the jealous one out of us two, whereas Phil has literally watched me kiss Tyler during Truth or Dare and just egged us on. No, Sara, it’s not _cheating_ if my husband not only _knows_ but thinks it’s freaking hilarious – aaand all of you are going crazy in that chat. Have I not actually called him my husband in this liveshow yet, or is it just me having kissed Tyler Oakley that you're freaking out about?"

“…some of you are just yelling _husband_ into the chat, so I'm going to presume it's at least partially the former. That’s kind of weird, actually. I normally say it as often as possible. That wasn’t the case at the start, though. When we first got married I literally had to psych myself up every time to be able to actually say ‘my husband’ to a new person because I had so rarely acknowledged him in that sense before due to being so ridiculously closeted. Going from not even daring to refer to him as my boyfriend to calling him my _husband_ was honestly kind of terrifying, especially as the meaning behind husband is pretty indisputable in comparison to calling him, like, my partner, but I made myself do it on principle partly because there was no point in being out if I didn’t make the effort to actually talk about Phil in that way. It became natural pretty quickly, luckily enough, and now I say it all the time. Calling him my husband in front of a crowd for the first time will be interesting. I will expect screaming, let's just leave it at that – oh, god, you’re asking me if I’ve kissed anyone else, I’m really going to regret this in the morning, aren’t I?”

“Like, you guys have _no idea_ how much our PR manager is going to kill me tomorrow. And Phil, Phil’s probably going to tut at me, like, constantly, for the next fortnight. I changed my mind, maybe you should start tweeting 'Dan loves you' at him, soften him up for me. Okay, who else have I kissed… just throw names at me and I’ll say whether I’ve kissed them or not – oh, wow, that is a _lot_ of names. Louise have kissed a couple times while drunk, especially when she’s been moping about being single whilst we’re busy being the soppiest couple alive. Sorry, Louise. Jack and Finn, I have not, as they are unfortunately both very straight. Oh, god, did someone just say crabstickz? That is not a name I’ve seen mentioned in the comments for a _while._ But, yes, many of you old-school fans who watched us four in 2011 will be ecstatic to hear that that, yes, I kissed both Chris and PJ as a dare, all your old Fantastic Foursome theories have been confirmed.”

“Have PJ and Chris ever – _hoo_ , boy, I am definitely not answering _that_ question. Dear god, _no_ , I have _definitely_ not kissed John Green, bloody hell. Charlie, no, I have not, but I would probably be down if he was, to tell you the truth. Charlie, if _you’re_ watching this, it’s supposed to be a compliment, please don’t get mad at me. _Dan is a whore!!!_ Lottie just said. Ah, yes, calling a guy who's been with the same person since he was eighteen a whore, that's some serious logic right there. Wait, was that – wow, I thought _crabstickz_ was unexpected, but nerimon, wow, that is –”

[Dan sucks air through his teeth, gives a fake laugh.]

“That is not a name I thought I’d ever seen again. I have _definitely_ not kissed him. I was about to say I was proud to not have, but that would be a bit insensitive. For any of you young'uns out there who only started watching YouTubers in the past two, three years, nerimon was the name of Alex Day, a British YouTuber who was really popular back in the day before it was revealed in 2013, I think it was, that he was a complete and utter –”

[Dan takes a deep breath, and smiles.]

“Really bad person, let’s just leave it at that. You can google him if you like, but try not to watch any of his videos, he really does not deserve the view count.”

“ _Was he the one who was friends with charlieissocoollike_? Yeah, he was, they were best mates, and he dated Carrie - Carrie Hope Fletcher, I mean. If any of you don’t know who she is, you should google her, because she is incredible. I’m still kind of mates with Charlie, but not so much anymore. He kind of dropped out of YouTube circles after that whole scandal, which is fair enough, really. I remember fingers started being pointed at me and Phil, then, as well – at _us,_ can you imagine – and, I mean, they were really quickly proven false but there were a couple days when we weren’t sure that people were going to believe us? Like, when we said we’d never do that sort of thing – which, fair enough, if someone as seemingly nice as him could do that sort of shit, who else could be capable, you know what I mean?”

“So I don’t have any strong feelings of resentment about the whole thing to any party, except maybe towards Alex for being a complete dickhead, but we did have to have the Conversation with a capital C about coming out because it was the only thing we could think of that would definitely prove that we weren’t a part of it all. _Were you together then_? Yeah, we’d gotten back together by that point, but I think we were still pretty fragile so who knows what coming out then would’ve done to us. I much prefer to have come out now, being married and all that.”

“ _Get Phil drunk_!!! Can’t tonight, sorry, he’s not in London right now, but maybe in a future liveshow. Has Phil been drunk in one of these before? I know I have, once, like, half a lifetime ago, but I don’t think he has. _You were really 2012 in that liveshow_ , what does that mean? What, I was talking about Sherlock all the time or something? … _no homo Howell_! someone just yelled, oh god. Well, hopefully Drunk Dan Part 2 who has literally spent the better part of half an hour talking about his husband as more than made up for it. Why, why, what did I do, anything in particular you guys can remember? Because that was, like, half a decade ago, and I’ve pretty much just erased that year in my mind just out of sheer self-mortification.”

“ _You danced to_ – did someone just say I danced to –”

[Dan lets out a long groan and slides down the coach until only the top of his head can be seen.]

“You could’ve mention anything else. You could’ve mentioned anything else on the planet, anything else in the entire solar system, anything that has ever existed in the past, present, and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions, and you still couldn’t have mentioned anything else that would make me want to remove all my skin with a cheese grater more than that. I am being completely serious when I say that doing that would be less painful than being told I once danced to _Gangnam Style_ while drunk on YouNow.”

[Another pause, then another pained groan.]

“Okay. Okay. I can do this. If this is my punishment for being such a colossal twat in 2012, then so be it.”

[A deep sigh, and the camera shakes again: Dan reappears, looking as if he’s aged several years.]

“Fine. You _win_. Go ahead, mention all the embarrassing things I said during that video, literally nothing can be as bad as this – …okay, apparently I called people peasants, clearly I was wrong. 2012 was a dark time for everyone, it seems _. You said that you met Phil through a mutual friend_ , okay, that’s not that bad, Phil has said that a couple times as well. Plus, I think the whole Phil Trash #1 thing has more than made up for that. The peasant thing, however, I can never redeem myself for doing that. _You showed your underwear a lot_ , were they at least Calvin Kleins instead of, like, Pokémon boxers? They were? Well, that’s something at least. You said you weren’t gay but _find me the right guy and we’ll see what happens_. Oh, god, I was so passive-aggressive, that’s how you know it was 2012. Well, I’d found the right guy at that point, clearly, as this –”

[Dan holds his left hand up to the screen, wiggles his fingers so you can see his ring shine in the light, and drops it again.]

“– happened, eventually, I was just really unwilling to admit it. Can you really blame me, though? I can’t. Looking back, I don’t blame myself or judge myself for having made most of the decisions I made that year because there was nothing else I could do at the time, I just really wish I hadn’t been put in the position to have to make them – the public ones, anyway. I regret a lot of the personal decisions, but that is _definitely_ not a conversation we’re getting into, no matter how drunk I am. I’ve already overshared far, far, _far_ too much this evening. I am really not looking forward to seeing all the gifsets of this on Tumblr, I’m really not.”

“The memes, however, I am definitely looking forward to. The memes you create about me and Phil is, like, my second favourite thing about being a YouTuber, the first being how my job is literally just making videos about my life with the love of my life, which is better than a whack on the head with a rusty poker. You’d better come up with some good ones to appreciate all the top quality quotes I’m giving you right now or I’ll never get drunk on YouNow again, especially as Phil is literally going to ban me from going on my laptop while drunk for, like, a decade after this. Not even just while drunk, he’s just going to _ban_ me, full stop.”

“ _Where’s Phil_??? You keep asking. He’s not here, he’s in Manchester, family emergency. _You should be there to support him_ \- yeah, I probably should, really. Be a good partner and all that. I kind of wish I was - mostly because I miss him, to be honest. Yeah, I know, it’s only been four days and I already miss him, how embarrassing. Bit selfish, as well, my husband being away for a family emergency and me saying I want to be with him just because I miss him -”

[He laughs.]

“Half of you are saying that it’s cute that I miss him already, the other half are saying that I’m a terrible husband and should drop everything and go. Yeah, but then I’d have to end this livestream, and you wouldn’t want that now, would you? I don’t really want that, if I’m to be honest, the flat’s been quite quiet without him.”

[There’s a pause, his eyes scanning the chat: he lets out a _pffff_ of laughter.]

“Oh, okay, some of you are actually saying I should end this and go, didn’t know you felt that strongly about Phil’s well-being. Actually, no, that’s a lie, I did know that: just didn’t realise you’d be happy with me ending a liveshow early to go check he’s okay – which he is, by the way, so you can stop asking about him, he’s fine. How do I - how do I know?”

[Dan splutters slightly.]

“I know because I’m his _husband_ , that’s why, and, you know, we generally do tell each other how we’re feeling. I mean, we had a couple years of miscommunication half a decade or so ago, but I like to think we’ve improved since then – Abigail, I’m not going to text him to make sure he’s alright. Number one, he’s probably asleep – wait, no –”

[Dan picks up his phone: a few seconds pass as he swipes at the screen before he continues.]

“Yeah, no, he’s definitely asleep – or was three hours ago, hopefully still is, don’t want him to wake up in the middle of the night to his train-wreck of a husband doing a livestream at half two in the morning.”

“Number two, it’s not like anyone’s died or anything. If he was attending a funeral, of course I’d drop everything to go with him, but someone in his family just took a tumble and he’s visiting them in hospital. He doesn’t really need his socially awkward husband to tag along with him for that. Plus, it’s nice for his family to just see him every once in a while, because it's _him_ who's their son or cousin or nephew or whatever, not me, and I had a couple things I need to do this week so we decided that I’d just stay at home – did someone just ask if I wasn’t with him because my in-laws don’t like me? Wow, you guys are not going to go easy on me tonight, are you? I get on absolutely _fine_ with my in-laws, thank you very much. Always have done, especially in 2012 when I was vehemently denying that I was dating or would even consider dating Phil. They loved me then. Absolutely adored me.”

[He laughs.]

“No, no, I’m being – did someone just say it was too soon to joke about 2012, oh my god. We’re married, if now is not the time that we can start joking about it then it’ll never be the time to start – oh, some of you actually think that it’s never appropriate to joke about 2012, fair enough. I can see why. I generally don’t like to think about it either, mostly because it embarrasses me instead of makes me sad. Looking back, I do think we needed that year to happen so that we could become who we are now? Be confident that our relationship can survive in the public eye and all that. Plus, being embarrassed at my younger self now probably isn’t that bad a thing – means I’ve grown and improved as a person or some existential crap like that since then, which is definitely a good thing, so.”

“Sorry, I’m not paying enough attention to the chat, am I – you’re just asking me all this deep questions and I’m still in the rambly drunk stage. What were we talking about again? Oh, yeah, Phil’s family. Yeah, we get on pretty swimmingly nowadays, if I say so myself, especially his mum, despite all the jokes I’ve made about her –  although she’s always loved me, so. Apparently she told Phil I was charming when she first met me, can you imagine? And now you’re all calling me charming. Thank you, that’s very sweet of you. I appreciate it, I really do.”

“She cried at the wedding as well, it wasn’t just me. Somehow my relationship with all of his family has improved a lot since we got married? I think most of them are just happy that I’ve finally made an honest man out of him. I mean, he is in his thirties, people generally start settling down by his age. So many people that I know have babies now. There are babies _everywhere_ , it’s ridiculous. There are some family members who dislike me even more now because they think we’re living in sin whether we’re married or not, let’s put it that way, put we’ve generally avoided associating with them from the get-go, so.”

“ _Are they hoping we’re going to have babies_? Oh, god, I hope not. Not anytime soon, anyway. There are two sets of eager parents hoping to become grandparents sometime in the next decade but they understand that we are really, really busy and can barely look after ourselves, never mind a baby. Yeah, I know, you’re all really disappointed that we’re not gonna have a small army of children by the time it hits the new year, but we’re not a straight couple, it’s not as easy for us.”

“ _I’ll have your babies_! says Samantha. I’m sure you would, but not right now. That’s another a reason, I am only twenty-six. Like, that may seem old to some of you but it really, really is not. On that note, if any of you are British and under, like, age seventeen, you shouldn’t be watching this because it is literally 3 o'clock in the morning and you should be in bed.”

“ _But it’s a Saturday_! I see you cry. Yes, it _is_ a Saturday, but you still need to get enough sleep and if you wake up really late tomorrow you won’t be able to fall asleep in the evening and then you’ll be really tired at school on Monday. God, we’ve been talking about babies for like five minutes and I’m already in parental mode. I do feel weirdly paternal over some of you because I remember how deeply hellish it was to be 12 even if it seems like forever ago now.”

“ _Does that make you my da_ – nope, nope, nope, nope –”

[The camera shakes around as Dan presumably puts his laptop on the sofa. He disappears off-screen for a moment, then pops his head back into view.]

“I am coming back, I just need to go get something.”

[He disappears again for a few minutes: when he returns and sits back down, he’s carrying a glass which he takes the occasional swig of. He tilts the screen of the laptop so he can be more clearly seen as he talks.]

“See, this is what you’ve reduced me to as clearly quite a number of you need Jesus. Aw, people were worrying about me in the chat, that’s so cute – aaand now you’re berating me for drinking more, of course you are. In my defence, I wasn’t gonna get much sleep tonight anyway, I rarely do if Phil's not here - he doesn’t sleep as well without me either, so, you know, it’s a two-way street, aaand seeing as I can’t sleep, perfect time to ask me all the ridiculous questions you’ve been wanting to ask me for years."

“ _Who made the first move_? Uh, me, technically. He would’ve never known I existed, God forbid, if it hadn’t been for me relentlessly tweeting at him until he finally paid attention to me. Stalking him until he loves you, yes, exactly. I also kissed him first, so there’s that. The first time we saw each other I definitely made most of the first moves because I think I was kind of worried that, if I didn’t take my chance to jump his bones _then_ , I’d lose my chance to ever date him or whatever, and we’d just be stuck in that awkward zone where we both like each other but we don’t want to ruin our friendship which is, like, the worst zone to be in ever. I’m not sure, though, it was a long time ago. Maybe I was just thirsty, that also seems just as likely, to be honest. _What’s something Phil does that really annoys you_?”

[Dan laughs, pushing the glass from hand to hand.]

“Oh, okay, then, I see where this is going. I’m not gonna tell you something that annoys me, I think I’ve mentioned more than enough ways that he does that, but I will tell you something that used to really freak me out. Basically, Phil used to say he had something really important he needed to tell me and that I had to listen really carefully and then he’d just tell me he loved me. Scared the crap out of me every time, I swear to God. _Why_? What, why did he do that or why did it freak me out? …okay, why it freaked me out.”

[Dan somehow manages to pull off drinking thoughtfully as he ponders.]

“Uh, I’d say it was probably because I was really bad at accepting affection. You’d think after being in a relationship for so long, I wouldn’t want to crawl into a small ball every time someone complimented me, but I really was _not_ joking about that break-up having broken my heart into a million pieces. Phil noticed that, and how I was always really scared he was just gonna dump me like a sack of bricks, so he would make me think he was about to break up with me and then tell me he loved me to try assure me that he _wasn’t_ going to break up with me, because my husband was and always will be an absolutely ridiculous human being. Have I been – _have I been walking around naked a lot now I’m home alone_ , Angelica just said. No, I haven’t, because I have no one to show off to.”

[Dan blinks, takes a look at his glass as if he’s blaming it for what he just said, and shrugs and takes another drink anyway.]

“Moooving on. _What’s our song_? This won’t come as much of a surprise to _any_ of you, but _Photograph_ by Ed Sheeran. I know, how sappy, right? But it was released when we were finally moving on from the mess of 2012 and 13, when we were finally accepting that we knew what we wanted from life and that was pretty much each other, so the lyrics were weirdly relatable, I guess. _Interrupted by Fireworks_ from Final Fantasy XII was a big one at the start, but it got kind of ruined for us, as many of you will probably guess why. We joked a lot about _Death of a Bachelor_ being the perfect song for us while we were engaged, as well. _Sum up your relationship in 6 words or less_. Uh…”

[Dan has a look of deep concentration as he counts off on his fingers.”

“God. He’s. Ridiculous. I. Want. Twelve.”

[He laughs.]

“Yeah, that seems about right – from my perspective, at least. I don’t know what Phil would say. Either that or More in The Closet than Harry. Not anymore, of course, but for a good six, seven years, that was our relationship in a nutshell. _Potter or Styles_? someone just asked, oh god. Potter, I most definitely meant Potter. No special ringtones for each other, sorry! We don’t even have cutesy names in our phones for each other, we’re clearly a terrible couple. He was my phone background when we first got together for ages and ages, but I changed it when I got to uni because I didn’t want people to look at it and presume that he was my boyfriend, despite the fact he was _actually_ my boyfriend. Yeah, I know, how ridiculous is that? Well, it’s not ridiculous, I was just really closeted because I didn’t want people to judge me for liking guys. Story of my life in…”

[He begins to count on his fingers, laughing when he loses track and has to start again.]

“Fifteen words or something. I should’ve just send a sentence, story of my life in one sentence. Probably not going to put it as my twitter bio? Doesn't sound like the best idea. Afraid of is possibly a better way to put it, I was _afraid_ of people judging me for liking guys. Like, I’ve always been low-key afraid of people judging me for the littlest thing, as many of you are well aware, and the fact that being a guy who likes guys is still such a taboo, _especially_ when I was a teenager and _especially_ because I’ve never been the most masculine of guys, did not help in any way. Can I just, has anyone here ever been closeted before? So many of you were saying you were feeling gay earlier, so there must be some of you – you don’t have to say if you don’t want, I’m really just a bit curious.”

“Lots of you are very happily out, which is good… _I live in Texas, coming out is not an option_ , Jesus, I’m so sorry. Being out in London - not even that, being out on the internet in front of millions of people is a piece of cake compared to Texas, my god, I wish you the best of luck with _that_. _Been out since I was fourteen_ , damn. Your fourteen-year-old self had _guts_. I barely even knew what I was when I was fourteen, never mind had the guts to actually come out. _You and Phil gave me the courage to come out_ , oh my _god_ …”

[Dan presses a hand to his mouth, the corners of his eyes crinkling.]

“I don’t know if it’s just because I’m a bit drunk, but that honestly makes me want to cry a little bit. I’m not going to, I’m not, because otherwise Phil will take the piss out of me for it for _years_ , but just know that that is one of the most touching things someone has ever said to me. _Hoo_.”

[He takes another deep breath, shakes his head slightly, and has another swig of his beer.]

“Okay. Moment over. Thank you, who ever said that. I’m really happy for you, and I really hope it went just as well for you as it did for us. But, anyway, all the people who’ve been closeted, you know how scary it is, right? Even when you’re out, it’s still like – is it safe for me to talk about my husband with these people, is it safe to hold his hand while walking down the street, how are these people going to react if I hint that I might not be 100% straight? That sort of thing is, like, constantly on the backburner for the both of us, and that explains a _lot_ of our relationship, to be honest.”

“Like, I’ve seen quite a few people ask about PDA and ideal dates and just – neither of those have ever really been a reality for us? Of course, a lot of that has been due to being in the public eye and not wanting to be outed by anyone who happened to spot us, but, after the first time we met each other… yeah, PDA has never really been a thing for us. It’s only ever been in big groups that we ever felt comfortable being publically affectionate like that because that’s the only time we feel truly safe with doing that kind of thing.”

[Another pause. Dan pulls his Oh-God-This-Is-Awkward Face™]

“…yeah, let’s move on. _Who’s the big spoon and who’s the little spoon_? Oh, god, neither. We’re both far too tall to properly spoon, and neither of us are super physically affectionate like that anyway. Even when we first got together we would mostly just, like, drape ourselves over each other instead of cuddle. So romantic, I know.”

“ _Sex or video ga_ – did someone just ask me whether I prefer _sex or video games_ , oh _god._ Of all the things you could ask me, you ask me _that_ – I’m gonna take the third option and say both. Fooling around while playing video games, that’s my idea of a perfect date. Some people are asking how that’s possible – well, video games are fun, and so is fooling around, no reason why you can’t combine the two. See, some of you get the idea, I can see you guys in the chat. Like, you can keep that kind of stuff with your partner super, super serious or whatever, but that’s really boring to me. If you can’t laugh while you’re doing that kind of stuff with someone, you’re with the wrong person, is my protip of the evening. That’s pretty much all me and Phil did when we first got together, and we basically haven’t stopped since, if I’m to be perfectly honest.”

“ _Sex or alcohol_? The former, definitely the former. You guys should definitely send me more of these, I both love and loathe answering these sorts of questions. _Chocolate or alcohol_? Oh, alcohol, that’s not even a _question_. Phil might choose chocolate, though, I don’t know. He’d probably say alcohol if he was still allowed brownies – oh, wait, no, brownies are made with chocolate, aren’t they? If he was still allowed chocolate cake, then – which is a good question, then. Are you not allowed chocolate because it has cocoa in it, in which case would you not be allowed chocolate cake as well, or hot chocolate? Would you be allowed white chocolate because that doesn’t have cocoa in it? What are the rules?”

“… _who gives a fuck_? Hannah just yelled in the chat. Drunk me does, apparently. He’d probably choose alcohol, though, just because Vidcon would be so much less fun without it. Plus, I think he far prefers, like, sugary alcoholic drinks to just chocolate? And god knows he could manage on just sweets and biscuits. I don’t know. I’ll ask him at some point, probably. Maybe you should ask him during his livestream tomorrow. Technically today, but you know what I mean.”

“ _Who takes the lead when you_ – pffff, we don’t _dance_. Like, seriously, can you imagine me and Phil dancing together? We are both literally so clumsy I doubt we could waltz for one minute without both of us falling on our butts. We’ll dance at clubs and parties and stuff, but that’s not really the sort of dancing that someone takes the lead in. _Ew clubbing_ , someone just said. Yeah, you caught me out, we don’t really go clubbing all that often.  We do dance at Vidcon and stuff, though. People freaking love it when we dance together there. They go freaking nuts, it’s great. That’s something I haven’t talked about yet, but Vidcon… ye-heah, that is going to _interesting_.”

[He presses his lips together as he slowly nods his head, wide eyes, before he shudders, has another drink, and returns his attention back to the chat.]

“ _Are you excited for Phil to come home_? Pffff, not now I’m not. Have I mentioned how much he’s going to be tutting at me? Especially as he’s just been visiting his family, he tuts at me way more just after he’s been back to Manchester. _Why_? No idea. Think it might be a Northern thing.”

“ _Does Phil want kids_? Oh, so we’re returning to the serious questions, now, are we, okay – I definitely want Phil to want to have kids, mostly so that it’ll be _his_ biological kid because there needs to be more people like Phil in the world. It’s, like, weirdly the most selfless and selfish wish in the world, but what the hell. _I want more people like you in the world_! Yeah, Phil’d probably agree with you on that one. We might end up having two, who knows. I certainly don’t.”

“ _Who wants kids more, you or Phil_? Eh, that’s kind of a hard one to answer. Phil definitely is more ready to have children right now, I definitely wouldn’t want one at the age I am currently, but I know when I get to his age I’ll probably want children far, far more than he currently does. Give us another half a decade or so before I start amassing a small army of children. _Does that mean we’re definitely gonna have kids_? Well, I don’t want to _not_ have kids, let’s put it that way, but I am not even nearly at the level of emotional stability or maturity that is necessary to have a child, so I know it’s definitely not gonna happen anytime soon.”

“ _Baby names_? I’m seeing some of you yell. We’ll probably discuss that closer to the time, who knows what will have fallen in and out of fashion by then. No, Kayleigh, I am _not_ naming my child after – what the –”

[The phone on the arm of the sofa is ringing. A pause as he winces, lifting his hand to cross his fingers before he looks over at the screen.]

“Okay, who told him? Who was it, own up – to be honest, better him than PR, but _still_ – oh, god, I’ve got to answer this, he’s probably watching as _well_ , this night is really not working out well for me. Everyone quickly type hello to Phil in the chat while I just sit here and suffer. Urghhhhh, okay.”

[He picks up the phone, leaning forward so he can hold it close to the laptop. Phil’s voice is distorted and slightly tinny over speaker.]

“Hi, Phil.”

“Hello, Dan.”

[Dan bites the side of his hand to stop himself from giggling.]

“You’re mad at me, aren’t you?”

“No, why would I be mad at you?”

“I’m going to regret saying this, but you didn’t call me bear when I picked up.”

[Dan winces again, covering his face with his other hand as Phil responds.]

“I often don’t call you bear when I ring you, like if someone could hear us and I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

“Why, can someone hear you?”

“Yeah, thirty-thousand people, apparently.”

[Dan groans again before dropping his hand. He seems even more relaxed now, and it's not likely due to the alcohol: Heart Eyes Howell™ is in full force.]

“Oh, god, I knew you were gonna be watching this. See, it’s not only me who stalks him, he stalks me too. Are you enjoying the liveshow?”

“I’ve only been watching for a couple minutes but, from what I’ve heard, it’s been your best one yet.  Are you enjoying being drunk?”

“Not _now_ I’m not. How much do you know?”

“What, of what you’ve been talking about, you mean? Because I’m on Twitter right now, and both ‘Dyler’, which I’m presuming is Dan and Tyler, and ‘DanIsAWhore’ are trending.”

[Dan closes his eyes and presses his forefinger and thumb to the bridge of his nose although his smile is just as bright as when he first picked up.]

“Please don’t say it’s worldwide.”

“No, just in the US. I’ve also found out some really interesting facts about bees.”

[Dan drops his hand, letting out a sigh of relief.]

“Oh, well that’s something, at least. What, what are they? What is it about bees that has piqued your interest?”

“Apparently, when a bee mates with a queen, it’s ejaculation is so powerful that it is audible by the human year.”

“Oh, wow, that is really interesting, Phil, thank you for informing us all of that highly interesting and not at all gross fact that we all really needed to know.”

“Well, you did ask!”

“True. Someone in the comments just said it’s actually the sound of the bee’s penis popping off inside the queen, which is nice.”

“Oh. I’m glad that doesn’t happen when we mate.”

“Fffff, oh, my god, _Phil_. You have literally been on this liveshow for _five_ _minutes_ and you have already said something not only more embarrassing but more inappropriate than _everything_ I have said in the last hour _combined_.”

“Well, it’s true!”

“ _Still_ , oh my _god_. See, this is what I have to put up with. You guys think I’m lucky, but I have to put up with a husband who considers saying he’s glad his dick doesn’t pop off when we mate as the height of romance.”

“I didn’t say I thought it was romantic.”

“Yeah, but you thought it.”

“Why are you awake, by the way?”

“Nice change of subject there. Very smooth. You know how Louise was going to take me out for drinks this evening?”

“I take it she did, then.”

“Yeah, just a bit.”

“So the reason you’re still awake is because you’re a drunken mess.”

[Dan laughs.]

“Yeah, pretty much. The chat is loving this by the way, can you see?”

“Yeah. I won’t be surprised if we’ll have domesticphan trending within the next ten minutes.”

“Or something to do with bee ejaculation, either or. Isn’t it weird hearing my voice through your phone then from your screen, like, three seconds later?”

“Not really. I’ve got it on silent, I don’t want to wake anybody up.”

[Dan’s voice falls to a whisper.]

“Oh, shit, sorry.”

[He holds a finger up to his mouth and shushes.]

“…did you just shush the chat?”

“…as you may recall, I am a drunken mess right now. How is everyone, by the way? I didn’t get to ring you this evening because I was out with Louise.”

“Oh, everyone’s fine. Doctor’s say with a bit of physical therapy he’ll be right as rain. I’ve mostly just been working in the kitchen, to be honest, which has been kind of boring.”

“Yeah, could’ve just been doing that at home with me – …there’re going to be some people out there who are going to remove –”

[He pauses, counting the words out on his hand.]

“– four select words out of that sentence to create something incredibly inappropriate.”

“Oh, god, don’t give them any ideas!”

“No, I really shouldn’t.”

"But you did anyway because you’re an idiot.”

“You chose this idiot.”

[Phil sighs.]

“You're terrible."

"The  _worst_."

"I did choose this idiot, though, you’re right. Who’s the bigger idiot, though: the idiot, or the idiot who chose to marry him?”

“I don’t know, I’m still too drunk to comprehend that sentence, especially with the amount of times you said the word idiot. Probably you, though, considering you just said you were glad we don’t mate like bees do in front of thirty-thousand people.”

“Yeah, but _you_ chose to marry someone who said he was glad we don’t mate like bees.”

[Dan groans again as Phil laughs down the phone.]

“Shut _uuuup._ I bet your mum is loving having you back, though.”

“She is. She keeps on feeding me, I literally can’t remember the last time I ate this much.”

“Probably the last time you visited her.”

“Yeah, probably. She keeps on asking me when you’re next going to visit.”

“No offence, Phil, but I think your mum loves me more than you. I mean, I’m sorry to have to break it to you over the phone like this, but the evidence is really piling up over here.”

“That wouldn’t actually come as that much of a surprise to me, she didn’t have to raise you.”

“Or give birth to me.”

“Yeah, that probably helps as well.”

“Give her my love – not right now, wait until the morning.”

“Funnily enough, I wasn’t planning on waking her up at 3 o’clock in the morning to tell her my drunk husband is sending his love.”

“Possibly for the best if I want to remain on speaking terms with your family. Why are you awake, by the way? Did someone ring you?”

“No one rang me, thank god. I think we’ve got a few hours before PR is on our tails. My Dan senses were tingling and I woke up by myself.”

[Dan looks at the camera like he’s on The Office.]

“You do know how wrong that sounds, right? Saying your Dan senses were tingling.”

“Okay, my Dan-is-doing-something-stupid senses were tingling.”

“That’s only a little bit better, if I’m to be perfectly honest. Did you just _yawn?”_

“I might have just yawned.”

“You should be in bed, you’ve got a long journey home tomorrow.”

“If there’s anyone who should be in bed, it’s _you,_ I’ve actually slept tonight.”

“Is that you just trying to tell me to end the liveshow without actually stating it outright? Because, if so, I’m not sure how I feel about that. Like, I don’t want to give anyone the impression that we’re in some sort of fifty shades controlling relationship where I do everything that you say – …you just rolled your eyes down the phone at me, didn’t you?”

“There is the slightest chance I may have just rolled my eyes, yes.”

“Okay, fine, you absolute loser, I’ll go to bed. You’ll stay on the phone after I end it, right?”

“If that's a serious question, then it's a stupid one."

“Aw, look at how romantic he is. Okay, everyone say goodbye to Phil – and me as well, but Phil’s more important. Bye! Bye! Byeeeeeeee –”

[Dan waves at the screen, Phil calling his goodbyes down the phone as well, before he reaches towards his laptop and the screen goes dark.]

**Author's Note:**

> "so unfortunately you won’t see us being all adorable at the end of this liveshow"
> 
> [marina diamandis voice] LI-EE-IES
> 
> source of fun fact: ...my wife. she just really likes bees.
> 
> Fun Fact No 2: I... really don't like Tyler Oakley. Oops.
> 
> Please comment if you enjoyed this, want to see more fics in this series, have a particular line you liked or whatnot, or even have a fun fact of your own!


End file.
